Last Friday was a little fundraiser for the next installment of
Seven Deadly Plays in the basement of
The Abbey Pub. Everyone did such a fine job. The storytellers rocked,
Blood Oath delivered some damn fine improv comedy, Cassie and her crew capped the evening nicely with a staged reading. Elisa provided some amazing ticket giveaways for Abbey Pub shows and Don Hall and I devised some fun ways for people to win those tickets. Instead of a raffle, we decided to have people compete in short improv games. Everyone who played won something. Good times.
In honor of the event, I wrote a short play for the space we were in similar to how the
Seven Deadly Plays were written. On Thursday afternoon, I met with director Michael Carnow and we checked out the place. There were coats on a long rack along one wall, which is also the area we were going to use to perform. They asked if they should move the coats and we excitedly said "No!" The coats were left behind by people who forget them and never came back for them. Some of them have been there since winter. If you read the play below, you'll find out what Michael and I discovered amongst the coats.
Below is the piece I wrote for Carnow and his crew. I started writing it at 5:45pm Thursday, taught a class, finished it up at home, went to bed, got up and polished it some more and sent it off to everyone at 8:15am Friday.
I worked with them last year on the Damen Silos piece which, if you haven't seen it, is quite serious and a little gut wrenching. I was determined to deliver a comedy to them with some fun stuff for them to do as an alternative.
And here it is...
"Game Stop"
Written by Joe Janes
8/16/13
Cast:
Barbra (Rebecca Loesser)
J.J. (Chris Waldron)
Moose (Erika Geller)
Dave Kitsberg (audience
member)
(Lights
up on J.J. working the coat check at The Bottom Bar. Moose, a woman, is behind
the bar.)
J.J.
Welcome to The Bottom. I’m
J.J.. I’ll take your coat and at the end of the night, you’ll throw me a buck
or two if you’re not a jerk. People come here to sand off the edges of the day,
meet someone, and put some new edges on the night. Sometimes they fall in love.
Not the fireworks and harp strings kind of love. More like the screeching tires
and breaking dishes kind. Moose behind the bar will keep the evening’s gears
greased for you. How are you doing tonight, Moose?
MOOSE
Rent is due, I ate a gyro
too fast and my panties keep riding up my crack.
J.J.
That’s Moose.
MOOSE
And my cat died.
J.J.
Sorry to hear about Mr.
Fucker.
MOOSE
Drowned himself in his own
water bowl.
J.J.
Your cat committed
suicide?
MOOSE
Yep. Mr. Fucker cashed in
his own chips and I don’t know why. I hate it when they don’t leave a note.
J.J.
This is The Bottom. During
the slow times, I like to go through your pockets. I don’t steal nothing. I’m
just a curious creature. (J.J. reaches into the pocket of a coat and takes a
nametag out.) Hmmm... Lookie here. (He puts it on someone in the audience.) For
all intents and purposes, from now and for the next ten minutes, you shall be
known as Dave Kitsberg, GameStop store manager. (J.J. returns to his station at
the coat check.) Not sure I’d want to be in your shoes, tonight. (Barbra enters
and with very little energy and enthusiasm hands him her coat and sighs.)
Sheesh, Barbra. Looks like you should have stayed in bed.
BARBRA
I tried, J.J.. It just
reminds me of him too much. It smells like him. I
need to drag my bed out to the alley on trash day.
J.J.
Or you could do laundry.
BARBRA
That's not an option. Some
day. Some day I’ll do laundry. (She sniffs her blouse.) Right now, I just need
to forget.
J.J.
You picked a bad night.
(She looks at him
quizzically. He indicates with his head that Dave Kitsberg is sitting not far
from there. She looks with a mix of hurt and disgust.)
BARBRA (to J.J.)
Who's the harlot?
J.J.
I don't know. Ain't never
seen her before. Don't go doing anything stupid.
BARBRA
Thirty-three years too
late for that advice, J.J..
J.J.
Then don't do anything
stupid while sober. Go see Moose.
BARBRA
Maybe I will.
(Barbra walks over to the
bar while giving the evil eye to Dave Kitsberg and his date. Moose is behind
the bar cleaning glasses.)
MOOSE
Hey, Barbra.
BARBRA
Is he looking at me?
MOOSE
Is who looking at you?
BARBRA
Dave Kitsberg. The store
manager at GameStop.
MOOSE
Yeah. He's looking at you.
BARBRA
Does he look forlorn?
MOOSE
Does he look what?
BARBRA
Does he look like he’s
eating a pork chop but wishes he had ordered the prime rib that just walked by?
MOOSE
He's kind of smirking a bit.
Does forlorn look like smirking?
BARBRA
Pour me a double, Moose.
(Moose pours two shots.)
BARBRA
You could have put them in
the same glass.
MOOSE
I thought double meant you
wanted the same thing twice.
BARBRA
Never mind. (She does one
of the shots and swings around to glare at Dave Kitsberg. She belches loudly
and turns back to the bar with a flourish.)
BARBRA
I didn't mean to do that.
MOOSE
It sounded awesome.
(She picks up the other shot and walks toward Dave.)
BARBRA
Oh, hello, Dave Kitsberg.
I didn't see you there. Is this your date? You’re quite lovely. (To Dave's date
or whoever is sitting next to him. Fine if it's a guy, too.) Do things feel
like they are going in slow motion to you, honey? Because that's what usually
happens to me when I'm in an accident. The accident you are now in with Dave
Kitsberg as your heart collides with his arrogant manhood. His big, handsome,
rugged arrogant hood of man. (She does the shot.) I was going to throw this in
your face, Dave Kitsberg, but even cheap booze isn't good enough for you.
(As much as she tries to
suppress it, a burp still comes out. J.J. walks over with his coat.)
J.J.
Barbra, maybe you should
get some air.
BARBRA
Maybe I should have gotten
some air instead of stopping in to GameStop that night to trade in my Halo3. GameStop. (She laughs) Get it? Maybe
you should stop the games, Dave Kitsberg. Do you remember what you said to me
when I walked into your precious little store? Do you, Dave? Say it!
DAVE
.....
BARBRA
So fucking smooth. A woman
doesn’t stand a chance with you, saying things like “......” while wearing your
red GameStop polo shirt, your muscles rippling just beneath the cotton/poly
blend. The way you walked in front of me and reached for the top shelf for my
game. Presenting your butt to me. That butt! (To his date) Have you sunk your
teeth into that, yet? Like bobbing for two big crisp apples on an ocean wave.
You knew what you were doing the whole time. Luring me in. Setting a trap with
your masculine wiles. Stop the games, Dave Kitsberg. Like the ones you played
with my affection when you put your game cartridge into my XBox. He played for
hours. He really knows his way around a woman’s controller. X-Y-B-B-A,
X-Y-B-B-A, X-Y-B-B-A (She almost has an orgasm). And then you just tossed me
aside like a used up Red Redemption
and hooked up with whatever trashy shoot’em up came along.
(Moose walks over with two
more shots and hands one to Barbra.)
J.J.
What are you doing?
MOOSE
This is getting good.
MOOSE
L’chaim.
(Barbra does one of the
shots, burps, and Moose does the other.)
J.J.
Look, Dave. It's none of
my business. I'm just a lowly coat checker. But I see you in here with a
different beautiful girl on your arm every night of the week.
MOOSE
Of course you do, he’s the
manager of a GameStop.
BARBRA
Every night?
J.J.
Every night.
MOOSE
Wait. You work coat check
every night? Seven nights a week?
J.J.
Yes.
MOOSE
Your life sucks.
J.J.
I know. My point is, Dave
Kitsberg, that when you and Barbra got together, I thought, maybe, just maybe.
Maybe she'd be the one that would make you want to fall in love and settle
down. She's a good woman. She deserves the best. That's why whenever she checks
her coat with me, I put it near the front on a wooden hanger. I make sure it
has room to breathe and isn't crowded by some over perfumed mink or some
tobacco stinking overcoat.
BARBRA
You do that for me?
(He nods.)
MOOSE
I give you free drinks.
BARBRA
I don’t pay for my drinks?
MOOSE
I've never seen you pay
and I don't push it. It's okay. I like the light you get in your eyes when
you're tipsy.
BARBRA
That's so nice.
MOOSE
One time you were so
drunk, I had to hold your hair for you while you ralphed in the urinal.
BARBRA
I don't remember that.
J.J.
I do. I wiped the vomit
off your scarf and put you in a cab.
BARBRA
What do you know? I guess,
I never saw the people who really care about me. Hear that, Dave Kitsberg?
There are people who really care about me. I don’t need you. I never needed
you. I'm sorry I interrupted. You and your harlot have a lovely evening. (To
the harlot) If he tells you he can get you five free games a week, he's a liar.
J.J.
Do you want your jacket?
REBECAA
No, I do not. Please put it
somewhere where it won’t smell like Dave Kitsberg or (sniffs Dave’s date) plums
and toothpaste. Moose, start pouring.
MOOSE
I’ll get right on that.
(Moose gets behind the bar
and pours another shot. Barbra follows.)
BARBRA
I don’t need a man like Dave
Kitsberg tracking mud through my life. I have friends, right here. Moose and
J.J.. I’m going to drink until I puke. Then J.J. is going to take me home and
if I’m too drunk to make love to, just lie to me and tell me you did. Okay?
J.J.
We’ll not do it all night
long.
BARBRA
Okay, then.
J.J.
Well, Dave Kitsberg. Looks
like she’s moving on. How do you do it, man? How do you have all these women
and some men fawning all over you? What’s your secret?
DAVE
...
J.J.
I think I know what she’s
going through. I find myself loving and hating you, too. (He heads back to his
station and carefully hangs up Barbra’s coat.) This is The Bottom. Where people
come to forget and make new memories that they will also try to forget.
BARBRA (Holds up glass.)
Fuck Dave Kitsberg.
(She drinks and belches. Blackout.)
